Krister Johnson—Writer/Actor/Napper
Pimp My Bad.

Pimp My Bad.

Tebowing + Twerking = Teberking

Tebowing + Twerking = Teberking

Wisdom for Ben Affleck.

Wisdom for Ben Affleck.

Because he’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.

Because he’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.

Chicken is the best.

Chicken is the best.

How to Stay Cool During the Heat Wave

Man, is it hot enough for you???!!! Probably. As a public service to the community, I’ve put together a list of the TOP 25 ways to stay cool when the thermometer is “heating up.” Enjoy, and if you know someone who might benefit, please pass along!

     25 Ways to Stay Cool During the Heat Wave

  1. Drink lots of water but miss your mouth so it pours all over you.

  2. Find a shaded area inside an air-conditioned room.

  3. Buy a bunch of frozen pizzas and tape them to your neck/crotch.

  4. Climb into your toilet for a while.

  5. Put on your winter coat and walk around outside shivering (mind over matter).

  6. If you must go out in the sun, wear a suit of metal to reflect all the heat, I think.

  7. Steal NSA documents, flee the country, and live inside Moscow’s very comfortable Sheremetevo Airport.

  8. Try to be unconscious for most of the day like your cat.

  9. Do the thing that Luke did with the tauntaun in The Empire Strikes Back except with a frozen tauntaun.

  10. Sweating cools you down, so go outside until you are cool.

  11. Don’t wear long pants or short pants or underpants.

  12. Buy an air conditioner at the mall and then just hide in the mall until next week.

  13. Remember how much you ALSO hate cold in the winter, and then realize nothing really makes you happy anymore.

  14. If Daft Punk’s “Get Lucky” comes on, try not to dance to it.

  15. Avoid alcohol, unless it’s cold, in which case drink until you think being so hot is “hilarious” and “no big deal.”

  16. If you own a baby, put it in the refrigerator for a while and then cuddle it to your (bare) chest.

  17. If you have to be outside, move slowly until you get heat stroke.

  18. Try not to be elderly.

  19. Wear a leather jacket like “The Fonz.” This timeless fashion statement is never “not cool.”

  20. Don’t go for a jog in the middle of the day, or any other time, jogging is dumb.

  21. If you’re friends with the superhero The Iceman, maybe see what he’s up to today?

  22. Put a popsicle in your butt (grape or cherry).

  23. Kill yourself. Once they find your body, it will be placed in a refrigerated box at the morgue.

  24. Tell a meteor to hit earth, destroying all humanity, blotting out sun and launching a new ice age.

  25. Take a hammer and break a bone in your hand, you will forget about the heat for about one minute.

As soon as Tywin told Joffrey to go take a nap, I thought about Kevin Spacey telling Alan Arkin to “go to lunch” because “I am trying to run an office here.” Turns out the scenes work well together…

STARRING JANE FONDA.

STARRING JANE FONDA.